Gale
by Howlitzer
Summary: I don't want to feel like this, but I do...it's so painful.


This feeling…I haven't felt it for a long time. I promised myself I wouldn't have these kinds of thoughts, that I wouldn't feel this way for any reason, because there was no reason to.

But even so…even so, I feel like this.

I haven't been jealous for a long time.

Why I'm like this…it's because of someone I love very much.

Her name is Sakura Kinomoto, someone I've known since I was small. We're practically sisters, but I still have these feelings for her, feelings that I probably shouldn't have, but I have them anyways.

I'm truly in love with her.

And that's why this hurts so much.

For the last while, there's been this boy…Syaoran Li, who's been helping Sakura with catching the Clow Cards and trying to restore order to the world we live in.

At first I wasn't sure, but it soon became apparent that they were made for each other. Even when they argued, it seemed like they were meant to be together, through thick and thin.

I thought that maybe if I just encouraged their relationship, everything would be okay. After all, Sakura's happiness was my happiness as well, right?

I thought that for a long time, and it was true…just not this time. It still hurt to see her with someone else, even though she was so happy.

I started to hate myself for thinking like that, but after a while I understood that I couldn't truly suppress those feelings. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life…I wanted to be her one and only…

And when it wasn't so, it hurt…it's supposed to be normal, but I hate this feeling. I don't want to feel bitter when I see those two together.

"Tomoyo?"

Sakura's voice snapped me out of my daze. I had forgotten that we were still walking to her house from school.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…just a little tired, I guess. Don't worry about me, Sakura."

She smiled. "I can't help it. You're my Tomoyo after all, right?"

Those words touched me so deeply…I was her Tomoyo, but she wasn't…she wasn't _my_ Sakura. She was there for everyone else, the way that they wanted her, but I wanted her to be mine, and mine alone.

I hadn't ever felt this way before, but it was at that point when everything inside of me came rushing out.

"Sakura…"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry…there is really is something wrong with me."

We reached the house and made it to the kitchen.

"What is it? Do you feel sick?" she asked, concerned.

"It's not like that…I just have a problem. It has to do with you and Syaoran."

"Oh? What do you mean?"

I didn't feel right in the head at the moment, but I continued anyways.

There are things you shouldn't say, no matter how much you want to say them.

Something…something wasn't right, though. I started and couldn't stop.

"I hate…the fact you're with him. I hate it. I hate it, Sakura."

"…Tomoyo…what…what do you mean?"

"What I mean is exactly what I've said. I don't want to see you two together."

"Why not? Tomoyo, you've always been encouraging us…I don't…"

"Because you belong to me, Sakura." Her eyes widened at that, but I continued anyways.

"I've always loved you more than anyone else, Sakura. I always want to see you happy, but I can't be happy with this. You have to be with me, Sakura."

"Tomoyo…I don't understand. Why do you feel like this…and…has it always been this way?"

"No…I wasn't always jealous of you two. I wasn't always bitter. I don't know why I feel this way right now, at this moment, but I just do."

"Tomoyo, I can't…"

"You can't…what?"

"I can't return your feelings…not the way you want them."

"Why not? Why can't you…? Why can't you love me that way? Why can't I be happy, too?" I was starting to scream at her as she backed into the kitchen counter.

"Please, don't hate me for this…"

At that moment, I froze in place. There was nothing but silence as the words hit me.

Sakura was in so much pain right now, and it was my fault.

"Sakura…I…I'm sorry…"

I could feel the tears start to stream down my face.

"I could never hate you…I'm sorry! Sakura, don't cry because of me!"

"Tomoyo…"

"My selfishness…! I wasn't thinking when I said those things to you…I don't deserve to be your fr-"

She slapped me right there and then.

I didn't understand at first, but she soon made it clear.

"Don't ever say that. You've been there for me, always. Tomoyo, all you have to do is ask…you can have as much of me as you need. I love you, and I always will. You're not selfish, you've given up so much of yourself for the sake of others…how could you think that?"

"But…you have to be with someone else and…I…"

"Tomoyo. I'm yours whenever you need me. No matter who I'm with, that will never change. But I want you to understand something. I'm not going to change what's already happened, and I'm going to keep living like I always have. Even though I have a sense of how you feel about what I'm doing, I can't change that. I absolutely refuse to."

She gave me a warm smile. "I can be a bit selfish myself, you know. If that makes me a bad person, I don't care. Everyone and everything that belongs to me is precious…"

I understood what she was saying, and why she felt that way. But it was just like Sakura to answer the way she did…

Even so, I knew these feelings wouldn't evaporate into thin air. Not that I expected them to, but letting out my emotions just then, I felt just a bit lighter.

I could still support Sakura and Syaoran…yes, despite the fact that I was a bit jealous; I really did support their relationship in every way. I had just forgotten that Sakura would be there for me whenever I needed her. My emotions got in the way of my thinking, and I did something hurtful. I know neither of us will forget this day, but I want to move on as well.

"Tomoyo?"

"Yes, Sakura?"

She pulled me close to her and wrapped her arms around me.

"I was so scared today, that I lost my best friend in the whole world. I need you, Tomoyo. I always will."

"Sakura…when I said that I didn't deserve you as a friend, I really meant it. Nobody in this world deserves someone as good as you."

"It doesn't matter…you have me now, and you always will. Whether you think you deserve me or not, you have me."

I hugged her back, as tightly as I could.

"I understand. I have no regrets for that."

I meant that, I really did. No matter what had happened between us, I had never regretted loving this girl for a moment.

And no matter what happens in the future, I never will.


End file.
